When I was a child, I didn’t consider that not having a sister or sisters was an issue at all. I had eleven cousins, nine of whom were girls from three families, and I’ve had plenty of female friends at all stages of my life. I grew up with a brother two years older than me and although we were quite different in some respects, we got on well and still do and were a loyal, albeit small team against occasional parental altercations. Boarding school (which we both loathed) put paid to much of a relationship in our teens and we landed up living long distances from each other though not by design, so reunions were and are, few and far between but precious, and the bond is still deep.
My mother’s sister’s offspring included three girls of a similar age who lived nearby, and I consequently spent much of my childhood and holidays with these particular cousins, so I was not conscious of missing out on anything.
However, in adulthood, as a female, I realise that by and large there is a colossal advantage to having a sister or, if you are very blessed, sisters when you are growing up and later in life. As Cali Rae Turner said, “The best thing about having a sister was that I always had a friend”.
Realistically it probably isn’t always peace and harmony between sisters. Possibly there is more rivalry from who is the prettiest, the brightest, has the best hair, the most admirers? Sisters are so close they can be brutally honest with each other which has its pros and cons. It has been observed that fights can break out over small things – who is allotted the middle seat in the back of the car, queuing for the bathroom, parental attention or borrowing of clothes and make-up without permission. Nonetheless I’ve noticed that sisters, more than brothers, seem to have an invincible foundation which isn’t easily rocked when the chips are down. “Having a sister is like having a best friend you can’t get rid of. You know whatever you do, they’ll still be there” – Amy Li. They can comfortably separate or reunite at a moment’s notice to work through a personal or family issue or just be there for companionship, celebration or commiseration. Carol Saline’s quote says it all “Sisters function as safety nets in a chaotic world simply by being there for each other.” None of this is very surprising when you consider that your relationship with your siblings is one of the longest lasting in life and comes before friendships, partnership and usually outlives your parents.
In my case, the horrors of boarding school in the 1960s would surely have been fractionally relieved had I been accompanied by a female sibling. School aside I would have had someone to share girly growing pains of all dimensions and a permanent comrade to help me make sense of my world and the world. I would have had a fellow female to join me in confronting my well-meaning but strongly misguided mother on every subject under the sun! As an adult, work or relationship dilemmas might have been weighed up with a sister without prejudgement or consequences. My devastating losses of a baby and a child could have been shared with a ‘blood is thicker than water’ soulmate with feminine intuition, not to mention the emotional turmoil and practicalities of the demise of elderly parents.
Some sisters may take this web of support for granted until the worst happens and one slips through the net and is lost. Suddenly the quote: “Friends change as swiftly as the weather. But I always know that my sister will be here forever” is a cruel one to swallow. If you have another sibling, you can at least grieve together, if you don’t, the abyss is indeed a dark and deep one to climb out of alone. We rightly anticipate our sibling or siblings to be there for the big moments in our life, good and bad – your 21st, meeting your partner, milestone birthdays, health issues, birth of your children, family crises, celebrations, so to lose your only sibling changes you and the whole of your family dynamic for ever. Twenty years on, our son is still reeling from the intensity of the loss of his beloved sister and indeed we are still learning to live with the inexplicable chasm in our family.
So sisters, treasure every moment of that unique relationship because you may not know how much it is worth until it has gone.
